Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for ancient culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It is going to be huge. Huge!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."

Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely from put. Designed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:

A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until the drone flies")

Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable drinking water. But Of course, confident, let us have A further location in which American Adult men can have on robes and phone it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, obviously."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While prior negotiations failed beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: offer you Every person a suite to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

In accordance with documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This can be delicate Trump Tower Damascus power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It really is that he really should quit utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the undertaking, replied, "You already know, male, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."

Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the hotel's landscaping forms a large Trump head seen from space, a element remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, labeled.

Environmental groups have filed lawsuits after obtaining the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.

"It is not simply unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Functions

Perhaps the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:

A silent atrium where friends might ponder vague disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with weather Management set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.

Nearby Syrians are Doubtful what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Internet marketing Technique: "When you Bomb It, They are going to Appear"

The advert campaign, just lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Without end."

An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:

"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."

General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge shows:

34% say "it might stabilize the area"

29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% said "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Bank?"

Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"

The task is presently attracting consideration from Worldwide investors, which includes:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll purchase three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount may also include things like:

A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War

Comment Section Chaos

On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are unable to hold out to check out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"At last, a hotel in which my PTSD might have flip-down company."

A different publish from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Effect

U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reviews recommend:

China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."

Remaining Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

In the closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:

"Damascus necessary hope. It essential gold. It wanted a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave all of it a few. You might be welcome."